Queen Panda

I heard an interesting thing on the radio this morning. Apparently, pandas in captivity in China aren't reproducing. So zoo authorities have taken to showing pairs of pandas videos of other pandas mating, in the hope of encouraging them. "Panda Porn", if you will.

How might this go? Thoughts:

• Backing track of pandas singing the video of Queen's "I Want To Break Free", in Cantonese, obviously. This could be shown as well, in a shot-for-shot recreation of the original video complete with costumes. But with pandas.
• 
  
• Female panda in a blonde wig and a pink mini dress, pretending to tidy up her enclosure.
• 
  
• Male panda in plumber's overalls and a baseball cap, carrying a little case of tools.

Sample dialogue:

"Why hello Mr. Panda. What brings you to my enclosure?"
"Routine bamboo maintenance miss."
"Hmm. I'll maintain YOUR bamboo..."

etc etc.

Or maybe:

"Is that a water chestnut in your fur, or are you just pleased to see me?"

I think it could work.

An Ode to Captain Delusional.

Before I can continue with this blog, I feel it will be necessary to elaborate on the true identity of the previously mentioned "H".

The one they call "H" also goes by many alternative names. They include:

• Agent H.
• Captain Delusional.
• "Leni" (so she claims).
  
• Len the Builder.
• The Talented Mr. Helen.

She shall be referred to in these pages as H - I am too lazy to type her longer monikers.

I intended to preserve her anonymity, but she has graciously allowed me to reveal her in all her many titled glory. Some might say that she demanded it, but they would be far meaner people than I am.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I give you....

Helen Sivey.

But everybody else is doing it....

Now that everyone in the whole world seems to have a blog, I was starting to feel a bit left out of the loop.

So this is my blog. I will be using it to vomit my innermost thoughts in to cyberspace on an irregular but possibly overly frequent basis.

Today:

H has come up with possibly the best wedding theme ever created: Gladiators. As in the 1990s TV show of dubious quality. It sounds fantastic to me. Everyone in the congregation can be issued with a giant foam finger; I can come down the aisle on a zipline; that short little Scottish bloke with the whistle can do the ceremony; the signing of the register can take place at the top of the travelator....the possibilities are endless really. Obviously we can name all the tables at the reception after various Gladiators, like Shadow, Lightning and Jet. H can take part in some sort of ceiling height death fight for sole rights to the cheese course if she wants.

Fine tuning that idea has been about the most interesting thing that I have done today.

It's been a pretty slow day, really.